I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
