i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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