I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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