Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
