If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He did a backflip because drugs
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
