Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
