If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
