I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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