There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
