Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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