I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
