Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
