omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
