Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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