Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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