I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
