At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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