My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
