no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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