i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
