I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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