I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
