i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
