Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
