Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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