I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
