Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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