I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I want a musical about memes.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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