if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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