It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
