I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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