her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
