I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
