you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
