Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
