$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
