there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
