I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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