DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
