Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
