And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
