He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
