my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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