I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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