y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
