My friends, they love my intelligence
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
