my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
True strength comes from lack of pants
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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