I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
