i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
