Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
