So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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