I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
