you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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