I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
