When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
